Pope Francis, the surprisingly refreshing leader of the Catholic Church, also known as “The Really White Dude From Rome”, keeps pushing to bring the Church into the 21st century with new innovations to connect to younger generations.
Last year, after much divine negotiations, Pope Francis garnered much praise for securing a deal with Jesus Christ® to answer tweeted prayers within 2 hours, 24/7. Many lost faith when Pope Francis revealed that the previous administration had outsourced the work to a Mexican by the same name, but the Vatican now has “the real thing”.
In January, the popular religious leader followed up with a new Facebook page, allowing Catholics around the globe to confess directly to Pope Francis. Due to the usual hassle with privacy settings, a few thousand confessions were publicly visible for a while – with Putin’s confession to fantasize about Merkel as a highlight – but with everything locked down, it’s a delight, most users said in a recent poll.
In a press conference at St. Peter’s Basilica yesterday, the Pope caused a religious earthquake by boldly announcing his Updated Version of the Ten Commandments. In his speech, the Bishop of Rome remarked that “people should stop clinging to ancient stuff” but also mumbled something about accidentally having removed a related document. “Anyway, The Lord came to me last night, and then he came back when my iPads had finished charging, and then He Spoke And Said that the Ten Commandments must be Updated to Appeal to today’s people – so I have obliged”, he concluded.
He then went on to reveal two iPads, which show the following Ten Commandments:
- Thou shalt not install apps related to other Gods.
- If thou insist on setting an Image of Thy Lord on a homescreen, at least don’t put any apps on it.
- Stop repeating “OMG” just because some TV show built you a new house or something. Try “Oh My Boeddha”, he doesn’t mind.
- Thou shalt not Whatsapp on the Sabbath, to keep it holy. And don’t get Thy Lord started about Candy Crush.
- Honour thy father and thy mother, or both fathers, or both mothers. Basically anyone that pays for your Wifi.
- Thou shalt not kill, but The Lord says: Don’t be a pussy in Grand Theft Auto.
- Thou shalt not commit Adultery, but you may Relieve your Pain in Virtual Reality.
- Thou shalt not steal, unless you rob casinos blind in a cool way. Thy Lord loves that stuff.
- Thou shalt not tweet crap about thy neighbor. Thy Lord will definitely unfollow you and you will know.
- Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s iPad. Trust Thy Lord, he is already running out of the 16 GB.
Unfortunately, Pope Francis did not take questions about the new Commandments, but alluded to the upcoming release of a companion music video for further clarification.