Militant Evangelicals Threaten: Last Christmas For Anyone Playing Wham's Last Christmas Or A Cover

Militant evangelical Christians, frustrated by the constant airplay of Wham!'s "sinful" Last Christmas , have taken dramatic steps to ban the "satanic" song.

Following a recent uptick in extreme right-wing activism, one group has had a particularly tough time during the holidays. And for them, it’s all but over.

Evangelical Christians, usually not known for taking an aggressive stance, from the unfamiliar Church of Jesus Christ of Boxing-Day Saints held a particularly unfriendly press conference today in front of their home church in Strawberry, Utah.  Their leader, Hank Holigan, expressed in fiery wordings what the group’s beef is with: Wham’s Christmas song, Last Christmas.

“I have a dream… “, Mr. Holigan began, “that one day, all of God’s children will be freed from the tiranny of Last Christmas.” He went on to explain that he had patiently endured the “many abominations that foul the spirit of Christmas”, but he had been pushed over the edge by one DJ’s force-feeding Wham to his listeners, by playing Last Christmas no less than 24 times in a row.

“This, this… satanic synthesizer sound…! This devilish, ugly insult of a melody…! And the sinful lyrics, full of adultery….! And to make it worse, a music video that glorifies groupsex during wintersport vacations! We have risen to ensure this evil has seen its Last Christmas”, fulminated Mr. Holigan to the cheering crowd.

The Church doesn’t just talk about it, however. During the press conference, Mr. Holigan proudly showed a slide deck with photos from a recent raid of Rewind 100.7, an adult hits radio station in nearby Salt Lake City. “Oh yes, there was shivering and clenching of the teeth when we came in! Look, here we are burning all copies of Last Christmas in the studio. Good stuff.”, Mr. Holigan smiled as the crowd approvingly hummed. The last slide showed a van, apparently speeding away in a rush. “Yeah, that’s the station manager driving off with the rest of the Wham records”, grumbled Holigan, “I’ll be back.”

The group is also targetting the many covers of the song, which run in the hundreds. The Church managed to invaded a concert of Taylor Swift in Denver, CO during a performance of Last Christmas by the Tennessee world star. “Nothing can stop the wrath of God”,  explained Mr. Holigan, showing a short video shot during the interruption. “Oh! I’m so sorry! I didn’t know this song was sooo offending!”, squirmed Swift, confronted with the armed worshippers of the Church on stage, “I promise to change the lyrics right away!”. The group left the stage, but after guards had disarmed the men, Swift sung Last Christmas, I gave you my ass / but the very next day, you posted it on Facebook”. Mr. Holigan didn’t show this part of the concert, unsurprisingly.

The Church is now doubling down on the matter, with a class-action lawsuit against Epic Records, publisher of the dreaded song, seeking 350 million dollar in relief for “mental anguish” during the 32 years the song has been a steady Christmas hit, on behalf of some 453 victims. One of them, 54 year old Eric Mendelmann from Basketcase, NJ, explained his pain during the press conference.

“I was dumped by my girlfriend on Christmas Night, 1985, during a wintersports vacation. Last Christmas is extremely traumatizing for me, but it’s just everywhere. Really, I’m sure this is what they use in Guantanamo Bay to torture those terrorists. ”

Epic Records CEO L.A. Reid was not impressed with the lawsuit. “Ah man. They just need to suck it up. We got a duet of Kim Kardashian with Weird Al Yankovic comin’ up to replace Last Christmas. It’s gon’ be awesome.” Christmas With Weird Kardashians will be available in stores and online next Christmas, he promised.

« Previous crap

FEC: Super PACs No Longer Allowed To Make Movies About Presidential Candidates

After the recent release of promotional movies for several presidential candidates, the Federal Election Commission is now outlawing production of such movies.

Next hogwash »

Apple Inc. Triples Dividend, Tired of Mountains of Cash

Apple CEO Tim Crook announced the company will triple its dividends, to finally get rid of its huge pile of cash. But there's a catch.

Recent baloney

Trump Physician Apologizes For Prescribing Wrong Drugs, And Other News Last Week

Trump's physician apologizes for prescribing wrong drugs, and other news last week, in 10 convenient headlines.

Dr. Oz Admits: "Chocolate Power" Toothpaste Really Just Chocolate

Dr. Oz, the popular TV surgeon, admits that his Chocolate Power Toothpaste really wasn't that effective. Read about his excuse for it and the easy solution he offers.

Pope Francis Shakes Up Catholic World With Modern Version of Ten Commandments

Pope Francis, the refreshing leader of the Catholic Church, is making waves with a updated version of the Ten Commandments, adjusted to modern times.

Random silliness

Read The Signs: Why The Fed Is About To Increase The Interest Rate Big Time

The Federal Reserve has only recently increased its interest rates after 7 years of near-zero rates, but all signs point to Janet Yellen intending to double or triple the rate, experts say.

Glassdoor Report: Top 5 Most Depressing Places to Work in 2016

Glassdoor, provider of some 8 million company reviews, just published a very interesting report "naming and shaming" the 5 most horrible places to be working in 2016.

Pornstar Candidate Breaks Up Presidential Race, Trump Drops Out

With the Iowa caucus in sight, the presidential race has been shaken up by a new and hugely popular pornstar candidate, causing frontrunner Donald Trump to drop out.