Glassdoor, the well-known provider of some 8 million company reviews, has kicked off the new year with a scathing report: The Top 5 Most Depressing Places to work in 2016. Robert Hohman, Glassdoor CEO, said at a press conference last Friday it was “about time for some Naming and Shaming”.
“Last year, we put the spotlight on places with ceilings so low you can’t walk upright, where your lunch might crawl away, and where employees share cubicles with the office pig, and that was pretty awful, but the companies in this report are beyond horrible”, explained Mr. Hohman. “If you work at one of these businesses, stop thinking ‘oh, there’s something wrong everywhere’ and get the hell out”.
#5: Alien Embalming Service – Accident, MD
The Alien Embalming Service provides embalming services, specialized in alien bodies. According to employee reports, the aliens brought in used to look quite average, but in recent years the extraterrestrial dead have become extremely obese. “Got another one of those purple 400 pounders with 4 heads, bowels still full. Ugghh! Quitting before I get stuck under one.”, one employee reports. Management declined to comment on orders of the NSA.
#4: Zombie Rehabilitation Institute – Frankenstein, MO
At the institute, zombies are trained on various basic hygiene and social skills, to prepare them for return to society. Although the institute’s website describes itself as a “place where love transforms broken souls”, employees are deeply disgruntled. “People see The Walking Dead and think it’s fun”, one writes in a review, “but you go and try to run a role play with 20-something hungry zombies”. It comes as no surprise that 40% of staff was eaten by patients last year.
#3: Liar Liar Services – Mock City, WA
This fast-growing business provides “extremely flexible communicators”, according to the company website; its staff consists entirely of professional liars, who are available to lie on demand. “Absolutely bizarre place to work. The work pays very well but it quickly gets to you. I couldn’t stop lying, lost everything”, summarizes one former employee in a review. “Some people have already been fired but HR just lies about it. Absurd really.” When asked to comment, management said it was aware of the problem and working on it, but that might have been a lie.
#2: Nostradamus Predictions Ltd, Hell, MI
Named after the famous predictor of many dark events in history, this business, which specializes in providing Doom & Gloom Predictions on demand, casts an equal shadow on its employees. “Very creepy atmosphere. Once you’ve produced some predictions, your life starts falling apart. Cars crash, children disappear, houses burn down… and many former colleagues die soon after leaving.” describes one worker. When contacted for comments, the CEO said that it was “crazy talk” and “probably just bad karma”.
#1: Mars Pioneers Inc. – Planet Mars, Solar System
As revealed recently, Mars Pioneers Inc. secretly sent a manned mission with its own personnel to planet Mars, taking advantage of a vague clause in labor contracts about willingness to work in a variety of environments. The staff was supposed to return to Earth with their hydrogen-fueled shuttle, but found out the CEO had taken out half of the fuel to recharge his own hydrogen car on Earth. “That *&@#*(@# piece of ****. I did NOT sign up for this ****!!!”, expressed one member of the Mars crew his feelings. “We’re screwed here. We’re gonna die here! Oh, wait, the karaoke party starts”, the review ended.
“Let this be a lesson for the curious among us”, concluded the Glassdoor CEO his presentation, “and join me next month, when we’ll have our report on the best employers to have an affair at”.