The Federal Reserve, which has recently won its 7-year bet with the Bank of Canada of who could keep the interest rates the lowest, has recently increased federal-funds rates to a modest 0.25%, citing moderate economic expansion, with the huge sales of useless pottery featuring pornstars on Etsy as clear evidence that people have sufficient disposable income.
However, experts watching the Fed closely say further increases are imminent, based on observations of Janet Yellen, Chair of the Board of Governors, with a further doubling or tripling of the rates definitely being a possibility.
James Malvito, a food consultant from Washington DC, reports that Janet’s diet habits have changed significantly recently. “She never was much into coffee, but now we’re seeing her taking a double espresso in the morning. And then for lunch, I know she likes to slip out and get herself a double Whopper, but nowadays she’s going for the Tripple Whopper. That’s got to mean something, right. So rates are definitely going up. Or my binoculars are really greasy.”
A literature expert from New York, Henry Camellio, also had made some interesting observations about Mrs. Yellen’s behavior. “Janet was just making some progress with Piketty’s Capital in the 21st Century, but then her reading pattern went gaga. The other day, I caught her with Double the Trouble. That made me think, but it got even more obvious when I saw her in the library with Triple Dare. It obviously boils down to two things: Rates are going way up, and Janet’s taste is going down the drain.”
A final clue was observed by interns at the Fed. Whereas Mrs. Yellen would previously wear flats, she was recently spotted with inch-high heeled pumps, and shocked the Washington DC Fed office yesterday when arriving in yellow neon 2-inch heels, combined with a short pink skirt. An intern, wishing to speak anonymously, said it seems “Mrs. Y has either gone batshit crazy, or about to raise interest rates”.
The Federal Reserve spokesperson was not available for comments; the door of the toilet he was in was stuck.