In line with recent legislation that limits what (super) PACs can do for candidates, which now outlaws shining their shoes, placement of displays with subliminal messaging in front of potential donor residences, and buying praying time in churches, a new blow has been dealt to the power of Super PACs.
As of today, January 1st, the Federal Election Commission has decided, Super PACs are no longer allowed to produce, sponsor, direct, or contribute in any form or way to Hollywood-style feature films about their favorite candidate(s).
The recent box-office releases of various vomit-inducing movies promoting Ben Carson, Jeb Bush and Chris Christie have strongly influenced the decision, a spokesperson for the Commission said at the press conference, which was held last night, just before the new year started.
“We have watched all of them”, she said, “we took 10-minute shifts to get through them. Especially Carson’s movie was barely digestible”. The spokesperson continued to list numerous disturbing details from the movies.
Chris Christie’s super PAC-produced movie, The Hustler from Jersey Fixes The Nation, features Mr. Christie as a athletic smooth talker, flying around America in a second-hand private jet with some blood stains on the floor. He is seen busting into board room and city hall meetings, where conflicts are quickly resolved and legislation is smoothly introduced with loud beats and a few raps. “We were strongly appalled by Mr. Christie’s flash-mob government, to say the least”, commented the FEC spokesperson.
Jeb Bush’s super PAC went overboard on a hawkish theme in Terrorist Be Gone: The Bush Brothers Blow Up The Middle East. Featuring not just Jeb, but also his brother George W., the brothers join forces with The Expendables crew, with direction from Michael Bay. The movie starts in A-Team style with toppling the Iranian regime to remove weapons of mass delusion, while simultaneously defeating ISIS with Airwolf-like strikes, to conclude with the Bush brothers eliminating Syria’s Al-Assad with a double Rambo impression. “We didn’t know whether to cry or to laugh”, the spokesperson said, “perhaps the candidate has a future in another industry.”
Finally, the FEC highlighted Ben Carson’s movie, Inspire Teachings of Dr. Ben for Heal Revive Glorious Nation of US, in which the former neuro surgeon teamed up with director Christopher Nolan. The movie depicts Dr. Carson as wise superhero-like person, who heals the sick with the touch of a magic carrot, walks on water while rainbows appear in the sky, and leading the American people to an rather Amishly-looking Pure World, travelling on the back of a unicorn. The FEC spokesperson remarked that “it was hard to tell if Mr. Carson was actually conscious during production as his eyes seemed closed the entire movie”, but found the film nevertheless to be “an insult to the voters”.
In the Q&A at the end of the press conference, journalists expressed gratitude but also showed concern over the currently underway production of Donald Trump’s promotional movie, The Dark Donald: Rise of The Monkey President, which the FEC can’t stop as it is financed directly.